...but you can't take the show outta the girl!

So before I proceed, I should probably explain the title of my page. I was a showgirl for 21 years and, despite the uncontrollable changes to my outer self, my inner self still is. I should clarify that when I say showgirl, I don't mean stripper, there is a difference...which I will try desperately hard to justify! Despite being scantily clad, showgirls are well trained dancers who perform choreographed routines. Most of us had dreams of becoming ballerinas but grew too tall and had to give up on Swan Lake...oh yes...and we just happened to not wear tops...sort of a traditiony thingy...


Anyway, once a showgirl always a showgirl. How to spot a real one? Take out a camera and aim it in their direction...if they're true showgirls they'll jump to attention, feet in beville (classic showgirl stance) hands on hips, bright sparkly smile, eyebrows very slightly raised. If you're still unsure then follow this checklist

• Over 5'10"



• Huge unsightly feet



• Bizarrely scarred eyelids from over use of false eyelashes



• Unusual criss cross callouses on knees and hips from fishnets



• Large bump on crown of head used to attach headdresses.



• Gets teary when hears applause



• Cues life with a 5,6,7,8



• Knows who Miss Bluebell was



• Has dated a waiter at least once



• Only wears thongs



• Knows all the words to "A pretty girl is like a melody"...in English & French



• Can work a hat and cane



• Knows that feather fans have a right and a left



• Wears three inch heels like they're sneakers



• Never looks down when descending a flight of stairs

• Chugs champagne like it's water

• Can balance a fifty pound weight on her head a twenty pound weight on each wrist whilst jump kicking in four inch strappy sandals...without so much as a jiggle (oh come on... think topless)

Yes, showgirls are rare birds so if you come across a flock put on a Gershwin song, pop open some champagne, and grab the camera.