Up a steep and very narrow stairway...

I can't believe it's happened, but it has. I'm at that stage in my life where a bikini is no longer acceptable and it's time to move in to a one piece!

How can this have happened? It only seems like yesterday that three mini triangles of fabric were sufficient attire for the beach and here I am looking at various lycra atrocities to cover my midriff.

I say atrocities because that's what they are! Not an ounce of sexy or flattering in these revolting polyester mounds that absorb water like sponges and ultimately act as a tube that blends boobs, belly, and bum into a shiny dollop of a blob to top one's legs.

Not only do I look dreadful in my one piece but I look dreadful without it! All my horrid bumpy bits get shielded from the sun and are therefore white as a lily. Flabby and white...what a delight!

In an attempt to get back in to my bikini I've been taking Ballet Barre...well a twist on the ballet barre I grew up with anyway.

Cardio Barre is like the ballet classes we all took growing up... on red bull. Part of me loves being back in the environment in which I enjoyed so much escapism and joy, and part of me (my bum) hates it. It's really hard work but only lasts an hour and gives both an aerobic workout and muscle building session in one.

I do miss the live pianist plonking away on her piano, but there's something very soothing about repeating the exercises I've done since I was three.

I can't quite say "everything's beautiful at the ballet" but it's certainly more beautiful than it is sat on the couch watching Top Gear with a bag of salt and vinegar crisps!